KOMODO DRAGONS

KOMODO DRAGONS

Photomaru / Getty Images

For reasons that make no logical sense, female Komodo dragons are capable of virgin births. You read that right: They don’t require the male’s scaly ‘modo meat to reproduce. In completely unrelated news I’m applying to become a Komodo dragon — if you have any contacts at their office please lmk.

FREAKIN’ ELEPHANTS

FREAKIN' ELEPHANTS

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Each elephant herd is led by the oldest female, known as the matriarch. This means if there were an elephant herd made up of Hollywood actors, their leader would be Betty White. And no system that puts Betty White in charge is a bad system. Go elephants. Go elephants.

SEAHORSES

SEAHORSES

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It’s the male seahorse that carries the fertilized lil’ seahorsie eggs to term and eventually delivers them into the world. [Glares at human males] MUST BE NICE.

ZEBRA FINCHES

ZEBRA FINCHES

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When the female zebra finch pairs up with a genetically less-than-perfect male, she’ll add extra testosterone to the egg to make up for his lack thereof. It’s the biological equivalent of screaming “JUST LET ME DO IT.”

MOTHERFUCKIN’ LIONS

MOTHERFUCKIN' LIONS

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Lionesses do most of the hunting for their pride, and without them there’d be a bunch of dead af Simbas littering the sub-Sahara. Female lions also care and nurture for each other’s young, so they’re kind of like deadly, murdery version of the Babysitters Club.

MARKET SQUIDS

MARKET SQUIDS

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Female market squids discourage unwanted male attention by flashing a pair of fake testicles (!!!!!). Female market squids 100% learned this from me and I want full credit for it.

BEES, DUH

BEES, DUH

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A beehive quite literally cannot survive without their queen, since she keeps unity in the colony with her farts (more or less) and gives birth to EVERY SINGLE BEE. Also she’s, like, twice the size of a normal bee, and I like to think the other bees are a little scared of her.

SAND TIGER SHARKS

SAND TIGER SHARKS

Hunterkitty / Getty Images

In at least one known incident, a female sand tiger shark MURDERED and ATE her male tankmate because he wouldn’t stop bumping into her. This, I realize, is not feminist per se, but I’m thinking of leaving a print out of the CNN article on my boyfriend’s pillow anyway.

BET YA WEREN’T EXPECTING MEERKATS

BET YA WEREN'T EXPECTING MEERKATS

Ecopic / Getty Images

OK, so, the alpha female chooses a male to mate with, and they become the alpha couple. But don’t get it twisted, because even though they’re together, it’s the female who makes all of the decisions for their colony. Think of it as a Beyoncé/Jay Z scenario but meerkattier.

HYENAS

HYENAS

Rkraan / Getty Images

Female hyenas have enlarged clitorises (first of all, nice) called “pseudo penises.” The organ is so large it blocks the vagina, allowing the female to deny entry to any less-than-suitable males. Males that try to force their way in 1. Literally cannot and 2. Get the shit kicked out of them for trying, since females are larger and more aggressive.

YEP, ORCAS

YEP, ORCAS

Robynphoto / Getty Images

Like elephants, orcas are governed by the oldest female in the pod. Even when her babies have babies, they don’t start a new pod but stay under her care. And when she dies, the next oldest female takes over. They call it matrilineal, I call it fucking rad.

ANGLER FISH

ANGLER FISH

Besides not giving a single fuck about ideal fish beauty standards, the female angler fish holds the number one spot on the list of Most Insane Ways To Procreate. First the tiny, turd-y male latches onto the larger female’s side and slowly gets absorbed into her body. When he’s good and dead, the female uses his testicles to inseminate herself at her leisure. This fish for president.

CUTE LIL’ RED FOXES

CUTE LIL' RED FOXES

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Male foxes lend a huge paw when it comes to parenting their young. They travel many miles in search of food for their family, and when the kits are old enough, they teach them to scavenge and hunt. Thanks for not being total deadbeats like — well — most of the animal kingdom, male foxes!

AND FINALLY, NAKED MOLE RATS

AND FINALLY, NAKED MOLE RATS

commons.wikimedia.org / Via Buffenstein/Barshop Institute/UTHSCSA

If you don’t look at the above photograph and immediately think “royalty” I’VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU: Naked mole rats live in underground societies led by a single queen, and she is the only one allowed to reproduce. Naked betches get shit done.

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